I am here spending the worst part of Covid on a secret beach in El Salvador. I initially came here to get away from the United States Craziness and for Alastar to attend a wonderful bi-lingual Waldorf-based outdoor school for the winter–as Colorado had begun to feel stressful in a stifled way and I don’t believe in unnecessary suffering. Now that I am here I realize that I came to learn some very deep things about myself as a healer and broadening my ability to offer divine energy on a grand scale: Functioning from a place of empathy is dangerous and potentially abusive to others and it is more possible to be an asset to this world if I am operating without it.
Empathy Definition: ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another; a vicarious participation in another’s emotions
Compassion Definition: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
Sympathy Definition: understanding between people; common feeling.
Vicarious participation in other people’s feelings isn’t healthy! It is not my place to even try to feel other people’s emotions. It is my duty and dharma to feel into my own emotions, thoughts, ideas and intuitions as much as possible.
I am part of a generation of women who were raised by often single mothers that were just moving away from the self-sacrificing ideals of women in the 1950’s and before. The way to move away from that was to become secretly independent. My mother’s generation feigns participation in that antiquated system, but then rebels in passive aggressive ways; over-extending self in service to others, ala subdued matriarch over the last 1000 years, but then quietly striking at those they serve by taking back energy in passive aggressive ways and expressing distain secretly in a language that is just now gathering words.
This is often and lately referred to as the narcissistic/empath loop, but that idea is so common it is loosing meaning. There is so much more to understand about it if one is willing to look at what lies beyond this cycle for both sides.
So what happens to daughters like me? How do we cope with a childhood filled with uncertainty and brain/emotional development ride on a pendulum that swings between lashes at our self confidence by our own mothers and the idea that we must be to be ultra-strong and independent to survive? We get very good at feeling other people’s emotions and guessing what is actually going on–never trusting what someone says, but instead trying to read energy and to always be prepared for the floor to drop out beneath us.
If you combine a great ability towards empathy with inter-generationally endowed intuition and a strong ability to heal others energetically, you get a woman like me who feels that her calling is to offer to others, but has to work hard to avoid martyrdom. We can even thrive in this manner, developing careers based on our supreme healing and intuition abilities. that also drain us because we don’t know how to use our skills without also bowing down before the ones we serve. We go on to choose partners that we can function with in a similar way because we are used to this and we attract what we are accustomed to. We create friendships and connections that are even subtly based on our ability to feed others and openness to be diminished which darken after some initial spark because there is a hidden inequality, a quiet dishonesty involved in our inability to offer our full selves.
Amidst a lot of fun and nature-based excitement, I have had a super accelerated learning Covid year of many failures to establish collaborations with others based on this pattern in my living and work situations. I was forced to let go of my work as a physical healer and instead learn to offer the beam that runs through me in a remote way as a Transpersonal Coach. My education for this at Sofia University forced me to address what I have to offer if I take on no authority over the path of those who come to me for healing and instead just hold space and question their ideas.
From this completely removed perspective I put all of my things in storage and took my son Alastar and I to a foreign and totally unfamiliar place where our habits, ideas, morals and practices could be fully examined. The last few days I am coming to the heavy realization that it is completely unnecessary for me to feel my version of the emotions and ideas of others and it is in fact necessary for me to wholeheartedly confront and own my own, my whole self.
So is it possible to be a healing force for those around me and to function as the highest source of light for my trajectory in this life without empathy? Yes! The energy pouring through me can only be strengthened by deeper understanding of what I have to offer and what is trying to come through; a pure confrontation with the true nature of others also helps. I can let that energy flow through me unadulterated by any opinions or judgement as this is the nature of its source and address others with compassion, with sympathy, with curiosity, facilitating that personal enlightenment for others. How wonderful!