Subtle Ways of the Goddess

Subtle Ways of the Goddess

After waiting open and available; flowing, unacknowledged or noticed, with all of her bounty to nurture her children and lovers, the Feminine can and often does choose to be the one that got away. In that, she wins the game, for all of those she was feeding start to wither and die in her absence.

This, on a microcosmic level, is present in what I teach to unappreciated women: make our full throttle selves and the flow of our attention scarce and the masculine will seek it out, hunt it down and value it when they experience it, because they worked for it. It’s so easy! All we have to do is disappear and they will notice us in our absence; they will gratefully consume us as we satiate the deep hunger that developed. Women don’t want to admit that this is a fundamental aspect of the interplay between the masculine and feminine and will endure sometimes a whole life of attempts to be authentic with others that get increasingly tainted with desire to be noticed and reciprocated and eventually come across as an assault. “Authenticity” that isn’t even related to their deep inner nature anymore because their focus has been on the feelings of others; on finding ways to be acknowledged and received, not on delving deeper into who and what they actually are.

On a broader level this is present in the power of nature. The forests and rivers are here present for us, openly feeding us as we notice or not, but when we don’t honor or try to support this flow; when we take advantage of it and overconsume it in a destructive way, it becomes toxic and disappears….its ability to support life evaporates. The trees are creatures that gently spend their lives reaching for the sun and the center of the earth, producing oxygen, homes and shade. When we cut them down, they no longer exist and we suffer…..this is the ultimate power of the feminine.

So what is the alternative? There is a paradigm shift happening and the goddess is coming full force to our realm. She lives in the heavens cultivating herself and the full power of her archetypes embodied. She comes to participate when we openly ask and gives us access to magical aspects of supporting life beyond the wildest dreams of laymen. If we don’t appreciate, acknowledge or try to meet and understand, she tears it away–gleefully allowing us to suffer in her absence and giving her boons to someone else who can receive and appreciate them. Kali, the greatest teacher mother, inviting us to cut off our own heads to finally understand the truth of our minds. More and more she comes whether we invite her or not. As the cosmic interplay between the masculine and feminine polarities shifts away from masculine heavy and into balance, she comes to participate freely and to create us in her light.

How does this relate to the relationship of women and men? Women are becoming the goddess versions of ourselves! It is easily accessible for those who choose to embrace their full power!

When a woman moves her attention away from the thoughts and feelings of others, away from being operated and fed by the acknowledgment and attention of others and into knowing herself deeply, she begins to understand her true power. When a woman stops directing her flow towards that which receives it and instead emits to her heart’s delight like a volcano, like the ocean, like the moon; unconcerned about overwhelming or overpowering and willing to spread her nutritious self to the ends of the earth as it pleases her, this changes our current paradigm. No longer are we defined by what is appropriate or allowed and instead we seek to understand our full throttle nature, even by slathering it all over everyone around us with only curiosity about its effect. When all women operate this way with reckless abandon, there will be nowhere to turn for those who want to avoid being smothered with nurturing. As the goddess comes to this dimension, playfully and recklessly fashioning it in her light, in her personage and preferences with no regard for being received or met and kicking out anyone or anything who can’t enter or feel the sacred energy in her temple, the healing of our world takes over.

When you and I move our attention inward, into our ability to incubate new life and focus our energy on birthing what we want to inhabit the space around us, our lives change and the world changes. When we remove our need for the masculine to relate to us in the old ways: the knight in shining armor who rescues us and formulates our life for us and instead allow men to energetically support our expansion, to receive the benefits of our expansion into life, they come into alignment with their supportive expansion power. As our individual men reap the benefits of their easy place as protective benefactors and fertilizer physical creators, it extends into mankind and we all fall into natural balance with each other and with our Earth.

You can begin to create this in your life through small acts as prayers for divine balance. With your creative energy you can seek to understand yourself, you can show up with your full presence, you can support yourself into expansion and model this for those around you. You can receive the divine nurturing around you with reverence and support it with your pillars of strength. We can all wake up to this in an instant and create heaven on earth……

Creating Divine Love Within Like a Magic Spell….

Creating Divine Love Within Like a Magic Spell….

I have spent the last year giving myself a beautiful gift; my divine masculine embodied first within me and then gradually around me. It began on my 41st birthday in September during a beautiful cacao ceremony where I felt my heart open to my perfect masculine counterpart, give it form and invite it to make love to my feminine. Laying there in the soft grass I could feel them connecting, exploring, nurturing each other and breeding new forms for visions seeded.

I had been through a terrible break up with someone whom I thought was my perfect fairy tale prince. It was after a few years as a single mother and he was a fellow professional artist–a jeweler who once owned an essential oils company and made his money selling obscure European Punk records and knives online–also a karate teacher and Super Dad Mr. Colorado who would take me on awesome outdoor adventures in search of ghost towns that no one knew about. He also would flip into the opposite of himself–mysteriously turning into an angry disconnected cold man whom I couldn’t understand or relate to at all and he refused to engage with me on any of my passions, though he shared them. I realized after a couple of years of this that my personality had melted under the duress of trying to present the things I wanted to share in an appealing way and to prevent that other side of him from coming out. With the end of this relationship on top of an adult life full of love that turned to misery, I decided that I would never again subject myself to whatever that was and would thus probably never be able to trust or understand love.

I realized that before this I hadn’t sought to understand what my unembodied perfect masculine counterpart is like. I had only searched for clues about him in men around me, feeling blindly for pleasing attributes–trying to identify their nature and to understand how they could all interrelate and compose a whole person. If I could identify pieces of that mysterious iconoclast in a guy, I would take them into my life and body, hoping that they would compliment and support me in this perfect way, and eventually move on feeling unmet and diminished by the energy put out that wasn’t properly used or returned. Without an idea of what I was looking for, I would find some of the qualities that would light up my heart, but within lives, habits and drawbacks that also kept me from fully experiencing union–of course mirroring my own state of mind. In retrospect this makes perfect sense, as I didn’t have a complete picture inside….I never thought I deserved such an indulgence–rather I thought I had to take what came to me and perhaps try to fit it into a mold that I had not fully formed.

So my perfect masculine counterpart, who had been peeking at me from behind the pillars, became an embodied creature inside of me and began to make love to my feminine for my 41st birthday. Weaving in and out of my shushunah, my center line, they nurture and explore each other; they planted seeds, fertilized eggs and incubated visions into physical form.

This was my introduction and I’ve since been getting to know him, understanding how he can integrate into the life I have going on outside of my body. I would examine him in my meditations through allowing energy to pass through my right masculine yang pingala side–which had felt numb compared to my left until I started playing with this meditation. The divine masculine began to come to me in its different forms; there was even one day when I could feel the golden divine healing communal light of Jesus and from this garnered a visceral understanding of the healing nature of the balanced and thriving masculine.

The more I learn about him, the more he becomes a part of my environment. He doesn’t need me to open my body or feed him my blood, he just wants to help me, protect me, hold me up into the light so that I may expand fully into the mystery that I have access to; so that he can add to and feel the light of the divine feminine with me and through me. He comes to me as a universal being, from many directions and wearing different men like clothes. He comes gently into my life to encourage me towards adopting the habits that I know are needed, nurturing me in various way and physically manifesting my ideas with his given talents, so that I may examine these qualities and fine tune the way I want to experience them- in the “this, this but not that” fashion that life uses to naturally select itself.

I have friends who were there at my birthday rave, who saw my freshly fucked look post tantric cacao ceremony, who listened to me babble on about the strange experiences I was having with letting the sun energy into my right side. Now they watch amazed as my kid’s father moves from Seattle to the tiny town where I live and tries to become the sort of person who can actually help me with our son, men surround me in friendship, taking me on adventures, cooking for me, fixing my car, teaching me the intricacies of investing, building things for me, painting with me, playing music with me, dancing with me, doing yoga with me and generally making themselves present to play an ever-increasing supportive participative role in my meanderings. Even my father has disbanded from his responsibilities in Florida, he and his wife making their way closer to Colorado so that he can be there to teach my son how to play frisbee. As I let him in, he begins to play a beautiful role in my life through this universal divine masculine; always telling me he is there for me but also that I don’t need to sacrifice my sovereignty to feel him–he is in individuals but he is also everywhere and I am always being met no matter what. He also comes in an individual, a lover and partner–each form better than the last with the promise that the ultimate iconoclast embodied version will be able to meet me in every way. This is because I know what I want and I know who he is…….

Confronting the Darkness

Confronting the Darkness

Embrace the Darkness! Learn to see in the dark…Deeply accept addiction, divorce, loss of job, conflicts with loved ones, illness and all of the darks and lights that life has to offer. Look at life from a tantric perspective and see absolutely everything as an aspect of the divine source that enlivens you. When you are able to do that, problems unravel and challenges become your greatest source of inspiration.Learn to embrace every part of your life as a gift and guidance, not only towards your goals, but the trajectory of your soul. Balance your polarities….The way to create a life where you are contributing your energy to the things you love is to admit to yourself why you are actually here and then to find ways to spend your time the way you really want to. From this understanding you can find bliss in the greatest challenges that life offers as you see how they bring you into a blissful understanding of your endless self.

Climbing Out of Empathy

Climbing Out of Empathy

I am here spending the worst part of Covid on a secret beach in El Salvador. I initially came here to get away from the United States Craziness and for Alastar to attend a wonderful bi-lingual Waldorf-based outdoor school for the winter–as Colorado had begun to feel stressful in a stifled way and I don’t believe in unnecessary suffering. Now that I am here I realize that I came to learn some very deep things about myself as a healer and broadening my ability to offer divine energy on a grand scale: Functioning from a place of empathy is dangerous and potentially abusive to others and it is more possible to be an asset to this world if I am operating without it.

Empathy Definition: ability to imagine oneself in the condition of another; a vicarious participation in another’s emotions
Compassion Definition: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
Sympathy Definition: understanding between people; common feeling.
Vicarious participation in other people’s feelings isn’t healthy! It is not my place to even try to feel other people’s emotions. It is my duty and dharma to feel into my own emotions, thoughts, ideas and intuitions as much as possible.

I am part of a generation of women who were raised by often single mothers that were just moving away from the self-sacrificing ideals of women in the 1950’s and before. The way to move away from that was to become secretly independent. My mother’s generation feigns participation in that antiquated system, but then rebels in passive aggressive ways; over-extending self in service to others, ala subdued matriarch over the last 1000 years, but then quietly striking at those they serve by taking back energy in passive aggressive ways and expressing distain secretly in a language that is just now gathering words.
This is often and lately referred to as the narcissistic/empath loop, but that idea is so common it is loosing meaning. There is so much more to understand about it if one is willing to look at what lies beyond this cycle for both sides.
So what happens to daughters like me? How do we cope with a childhood filled with uncertainty and brain/emotional development ride on a pendulum that swings between lashes at our self confidence by our own mothers and the idea that we must be to be ultra-strong and independent to survive? We get very good at feeling other people’s emotions and guessing what is actually going on–never trusting what someone says, but instead trying to read energy and to always be prepared for the floor to drop out beneath us.

If you combine a great ability towards empathy with inter-generationally endowed intuition and a strong ability to heal others energetically, you get a woman like me who feels that her calling is to offer to others, but has to work hard to avoid martyrdom. We can even thrive in this manner, developing careers based on our supreme healing and intuition abilities. that also drain us because we don’t know how to use our skills without also bowing down before the ones we serve. We go on to choose partners that we can function with in a similar way because we are used to this and we attract what we are accustomed to. We create friendships and connections that are even subtly based on our ability to feed others and openness to be diminished which darken after some initial spark because there is a hidden inequality, a quiet dishonesty involved in our inability to offer our full selves.
Amidst a lot of fun and nature-based excitement, I have had a super accelerated learning Covid year of many failures to establish collaborations with others based on this pattern in my living and work situations. I was forced to let go of my work as a physical healer and instead learn to offer the beam that runs through me in a remote way as a Transpersonal Coach. My education for this at Sofia University forced me to address what I have to offer if I take on no authority over the path of those who come to me for healing and instead just hold space and question their ideas.
From this completely removed perspective I put all of my things in storage and took my son Alastar and I to a foreign and totally unfamiliar place where our habits, ideas, morals and practices could be fully examined. The last few days I am coming to the heavy realization that it is completely unnecessary for me to feel my version of the emotions and ideas of others and it is in fact necessary for me to wholeheartedly confront and own my own, my whole self.

So is it possible to be a healing force for those around me and to function as the highest source of light for my trajectory in this life without empathy? Yes! The energy pouring through me can only be strengthened by deeper understanding of what I have to offer and what is trying to come through; a pure confrontation with the true nature of others also helps. I can let that energy flow through me unadulterated by any opinions or judgement as this is the nature of its source and address others with compassion, with sympathy, with curiosity, facilitating that personal enlightenment for others. How wonderful!

Tantric Fairy Tale

Tantric Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a middle aged single mother in the winter in the midst of a worldwide pandemic. She had studied tantric yoga for almost twenty years and avoided countless opportunities from all different angles to display what she knows on a large scale. She was a healer, a somatic body worker and professional artist….generating her income with the brightest height of her talents; secretly collecting deeper understanding while eschewing the notion that she could be identified as some kind of sacred sex worker. Finally, in a sexless, touchless, fearful turmoil of a world, she said “fuck it” and decided to delve headlong into everything tantra–opening fully to the practice and to herself as a teacher of this art.

About two weeks later, her favorite teacher from when she was in her mid twenties, connected with her via Linked in. He was the teacher that filled the classes until people were pouring out into the hallways–squirreling their feet around their heads with eyes rolling to the back of their many lives in a collective sigh of common bliss at being alive. Everyone became orchids in the cupboards that breathed vortex perfume onto themselves in practice–existing everywhere and nowhere as one individual everything. He was the teacher who would sometimes take unnecessary opportunities to walk with her and talk about normal things as though the astronomical parts didn’t exist and the friend with great credibility whom she sometimes reached out to remind her that things would get better. He was married….she was one of many students.. He was ostracized from the yoga community by jealous studio owners and she had gotten knocked up by a psycho……they lost their practice…they hadn’t spoken for seven years……

She responded to him with an artsy yoga video she had made–shyly displaying her editing skills and the inherent athletic prowess of her out of shape 41 year old yoga body. The yoga woke up something deep inside of him–her expression of union sparked his latent yoga that had been shoved down beneath years of parenting, wealth building and unhappy marriage. He told her that he had always been in love with her, that he had made his yoga classes specifically for her and had felt her every move in practice. He still remembered the specific alignment and construct of every part of her body and energy-reflecting on this deep knowledge of her like second nature. She then noticed that it wasn’t just one or two small conversations throughout the years that they had going, they had actually written books back and forth to each other–she coming to him to talk about almost every major life event and him lightheartedly supporting her through the most painful things she had endured…a running conversation for nearly twenty years that happened so gently they didn’t realize that it was a major theme in their lives.

They began to talk often and extensively for the next few weeks during which she made a vow to water fast for the whole of the crucial presidential election–feeling a personal responsibility to do everything she could to move Trump out of office–and it went for five days during which she shifted dimensions as she overhauled her physical connection with her body. They began to make love in the space between them across thousands of miles–both feeling clearly as he entered her body, healing and adjusting her vessel with the sacred energetic connection they had been establishing for decades; as she brought his energy to the heights of her ethereal access to meet the goddess that moves into this plane through her.

After a couple of weeks he came to Colorado to see her in person for the first time since a coffee eight years ago. They spent one night together in a Marriott in a small mountain town. They were awkward, older, sick and shy–laden with lives and dark emotions piled on by years of hardship and energy devoted to children and abusive mates. Basking in what they had been and grappling with what they had become, they peeled away the layers of Maya covering the perfect embodiment of source they had both devoted their lives to harnessing.

After a night of fumbling blindly together towards the ecstasy they both knew was possible, they focused on a point right below his belly button that had hurt since he had painfully left his teaching practice ten years prior. She dug her fingers in, then her elbow–putting her full weight on it as he screamed at her that she wasn’t strong enough, that she couldn’t do it. A door opened up in the floor beneath him and the thing in his second chakra–whatever it was–left his body and got burned up in the depths of hell. He grabbed her and inserted himself into her and called his goddess into her to take over her body. The sky opened up above her head–instead of the point of light she was accustomed to, a whole open field of light opened up and poured into her body. Eyes rolling into her head and speaking in tongues, this celestial being entered her body and communed with his whole powerful self–free of the succubus block that had halted his trajectory and stopped his offering of the ancient knowledge that was meant to pour through him. He took from her the tendency to hide massive potential that he had given to her all those years ago and renamed her Tara…White Tara……

They parted ways soon after that– both daunted, but promising to give birth to something 9.5 months into the future. He went home to his crumbling marriage and she to her crazy country kid life. They barely spoke for months afterwards.

He would call her and express the various stages of trying to save his marriage, leave his marriage, recover his inner stability, recover his autonomy, understand his extreme aversion to whatever version of commitment his marriage had become. She tried to give him a sense of freedom from need or attachment from her or anyone. She tried to facilitate a perceived desire to express sexual freedom after 20 years of repression and control. She tried to protect her blown wide open heart by coming across as someone who didn’t care as much as she did.

Meanwhile their bodies and lives were moving closer to their goddess and god-like selves. She uprooted her whole life and moved with her child to an iridescent black sand beach town in El Salvador. She read 4 Hour Work Week from an actual hammock from her beach view hostel and made more money than she ever had in the stock market while her son attended a bi-lingual Waldorf school and learned to surf. After living in his garage trying to give his wife their whole house, he decided to finally go through with a separation and divorce–taking over his house and remodeling every inch of it by hand. He turned it into the most perfect version of itself as he also remodeled his body and delved deeply back into his yoga, preparing it to be delivered to the world in partnership with her.

They barely spoke. They both thought the other had lost interest. They both feared that they cared more than the other so they both pretended that they cared less. They would have moments of excited connection and planning and then fearful lack of follow-up, giving up and reigniting hope and giving up again–burned by the glorious monstrosity of what they hoped was coming. They overhauled their lives and worked on themselves, their understanding of love and partnership, their ability to participate in a complete union that is also sovereign and free, their embodiment of unconditional love. They incubated their practice, their teaching offering, this new paradigm that wants to pour into the world through the space between them.

Nine and a half months later–in the birth giving time–his house is finishing, his body is healthy and beautiful. She is embodying and writing books about the ultimate MILF Goddess lifestyle that she shares with women–allowing the divine masculine to move through them and support them into enlightenment. Both preparing to have a major effect in this collective paradigm shift and totally connected to the height of their teacher guide selves. Both ready to do it on their own and even in other relationships with tantric yogis who seem to be able to hold at least pieces of this practice. Both also thinking about each other many moments of every day and factoring each other into their plans in unsure and obscure ways amidst the uncertainty and fear of rejection. It’s about to be born……what will come out? Some brand of happily ever after…..

Art Brings Angel Selves to Earth

Art Brings Angel Selves to Earth

Art often begins in a banal way. We start out tired, we aren’t in the mood, we make excuses, we reduce its importance. We must create it to feel it’s effects. We must pass through an initial period of disinterest, a lack of inspiration. We must often create from a place of substandard ideas until the magic begins to happen.It begins with a first hint of perfection; a spark of inexplicable beauty. We run through our initial ideas and then the flow really begins… we open and something starts to create through us. We pour this divine physical meditation on the things around us and each other. We create something unique; a testament to this feeling of alignment…